


we'll be changing with them

by BestDeadFriendsForever



Series: Accidents Happen [6]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bobby is Everyone's Dad, Eddie Goes to Therapy, Eddie thinks about his past and is Sad Boi Hours about it, I’m trans so Buck is too because I said so, M/M, Trans Evan "Buck" Buckley, Trans Male Character, Trans Pregnancy, dysphoria mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:27:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24228823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BestDeadFriendsForever/pseuds/BestDeadFriendsForever
Summary: “If you have to reassure me that it doesn’t have anything to do with me, Eddie. That pretty much confirms that it does.” Buck shook his head and he edged away from Eddie, turning to face him.Eddie’s jaw worked silently and Buck knew that look very well. Eddie was gearing up for a fight. “I told you this was old stuff, Buck. Just give me a break, okay?” It was sharper than Eddie had ever spoken to him since they’d gotten together. It was closer to the argument in the grocery store, or when Eddie had snapped at him the Halloween just after Buck had gotten his job back from the lawsuit.
Relationships: Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) & Bobby Nash, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) & Carla Price, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Past Eddie Diaz/Shannon Diaz
Series: Accidents Happen [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1713259
Comments: 16
Kudos: 284





	we'll be changing with them

Buck couldn’t help but wince at his reflection in the mirror. At 19 weeks pregnant, so many changes had happened to his body and they were starting to make him feel like whenever he looked in the mirror, he was looking at someone else. Muscle had given way to a softness that smoothed out the masculine edges that Buck had worked so hard for, and his hips- while still cutting a more masculine figure than any of the women in his life- were softer and rounder. He turned away, a low buzzing in the back of his head as he hastily pulled on his clothes so that he wouldn’t waste more time staring at his reflection and picking it apart.

Eddie, still strapped up and recovering from his fall, was sitting on the edge of their bed and Buck felt a little frozen as Eddie watched him. Before, he would preen under Eddie’s attentive gaze, appreciating the way that Eddie’s hazel eyes swept over his body. It didn’t make him feel like he once had- when Eddie looked at him it wasn’t just Buck’s body that Eddie was appreciating- that he could only offer his body. Eddie made him feel so loved and secure. Now, it just made him feel like he was under a microscope and only served to make him feel anxious about the changes in his body. What if Eddie didn’t find him attractive anymore? They certainly hadn’t been having sex like they had been before Buck got pregnant, or even right after they found out. What if that meant that Eddie was disgusted by Buck? He clenched his jaw and tried not to grimace as he moved to go and grab a hoodie to help hide himself further.

“What’s on your agenda?” Eddie asked and pushed his uninjured hand through his hair to move it away from his face. He hadn’t been able to style it on his own with one hand and Buck had felt to keyed up to attempt to be that close to Eddie any time other than when they were going to sleep.

“Nothing much,” Buck said and shoved his hands into the pocket of his hoodie, tugging it away from his body as much as he could given the way that the fit was already starting to get snug around the middle.

“I was thinking we could start sorting through the guest room and getting it ready since we’ve both got a few days,” Eddie suggested with a soft smile. Buck chewed his lip and nodded. They needed to start getting the nursery ready. The first half of Buck’s pregnancy had flown by so quickly that they were sure the last half would go by quickly too. “I know I won’t be able to do too much with moving things out, but we can at least start to figure out what we’re going to need. Besides a crib, of course.”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Buck said but his voice sounded unenthusiastic and flat even to his own ears. Eddie frowned at him a little, but Buck plastered on a fake grin. “Come on. I’m sure we’ll find lots of fun stuff to laugh about.” The guest room was where anything that Eddie hadn’t decided to unpack from Texas was boxed up and Buck could admit to being curious about the contents of the boxes.

“I’m sure most of its probably junk,” Eddie said with a light laugh and stood, following as Buck walked across the hall to the guest room and moved to the closet where the boxes were packed away. “Figured we could donate some of it, figure out what to do with anything we wanted to keep, and toss the rest.”

“Sounds good.” Buck lifted one of the boxes and settled it onto the middle of the floor before grabbing another to go through. Eddie managed to open up the box with one hand and he grinned as he looked inside. “What is it?” Buck asked as he worked on getting his box open.

“Christopher’s stuff from when he was small,” Eddie said, and he pulled out a photo album and then a slightly raggedy looking stuffed dog. “Shannon told me he used to take this thing everywhere. Some of the only times he’d pitch a fit was when she had to take it to wash it.” Eddie swiped his thumb over the worn ear, but his fondness was tinged with a pained expression as well. “When I got back, he swore that he was too old for it, that he didn’t need it anymore, but he kept it on the shelf by his bed. He never asked for it after the move… I’d almost forgotten about it.”

“Maybe he’ll want it back now,” Buck offered, and he gave Eddie a soft smile.

“Maybe,” Eddie said, and he dug around and pulled out some baby clothes. “I don’t remember saving these.” He shook them out and Buck couldn’t help but grin at the soft, awed expression on Eddie’s face as he smoothed each article of clothing out. Buck was just about to turn back to his box- which he’d only just gotten open- when he noticed Eddie’s full-body flinch as he dropped a pair of light blue pajamas with monkeys printed on them.

“Eddie?” Buck asked warily, knowing that when Eddie got that faraway look on his face it was sometimes hard to shake him out of it. Buck knew better than to try and touch him, so he just shifted into Eddie’s line of sight and raised his voice just a little. “Eddie, baby-”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Eddie said suddenly, and he swallowed thickly.

“Where’d you go?” Buck asked and Eddie stiffened as he folded up the clothes and put them back into the box.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine,” Eddie said, obviously trying to deflect. He wouldn’t look Buck in the eye and the line of his shoulders was tight.

“You just went from ‘good’ to ‘fine’,” Buck said patiently as he shuffled a little closer and reached for Eddie’s hand. Eddie pulled away with a sharp inhale and Buck tried not to feel so stung by it. “Talk to me.”

Eddie took a shaky breath and shook his head. “Really, Buck. I promise it’s nothing. Old stuff.” He shook his head and finished up putting the baby clothes back into the box. He pulled out another packet of pictures before shoving the box away with more force than necessary. “I think we should just get rid of the clothes. They’ve been through a lot of wear and tear already. I don’t know if any of it would fit the baby anyway.”

Buck wanted to argue, to call Eddie out for changing the subject and refusing to talk to Buck, but he didn’t. “Okay,” Buck said, and he couldn’t help but hear the note of defeat in his own voice. He went back to the box and when he opened it up, he felt a pit settle in his stomach. “You should go through this one. It’s Shannon’s.” He tried not to sound upset, because Buck didn’t know Shannon well and she was part of the reason that Christopher was in Buck’s life, but part of him wondered why Eddie had kept some of her stuff.

He went to the closet and grabbed the last box. It was some old blankets and decorations- most likely from the house in El Paso- and he put it aside with Christopher’s baby clothes. It didn’t seem like anything they needed or were going to have room for but if Eddie wanted to keep it, he could look himself.

Buck needed to get out of this room and away from Eddie for a minute. He went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of cold water, hoping that it would help settle his frayed nerves. Buck braced his hands on the edge of the counter and just took a few deep breaths. He felt a gentle hand on his hip, and he grit his teeth reflexively.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said and leaned in to press a soft kiss to Buck’s shoulder. “This doesn’t have to do with you, Buck. I promise, I just…”

“If you have to reassure me that it doesn’t have anything to do with me, Eddie. That pretty much confirms that it does.” Buck shook his head and he edged away from Eddie, turning to face him.

Eddie’s jaw worked silently, and Buck knew that look very well. Eddie was gearing up for a fight. “I told you this was old stuff, Buck. Just give me a break, okay?” It was sharper than Eddie had ever spoken to him since they’d gotten together. It was closer to the argument in the grocery store, or when Eddie had snapped at him the Halloween just after Buck had gotten his job back from the lawsuit.

“Fine, I’ll leave you alone,” Buck said back just as pointedly as he moved to pull his shoes on, and Eddie’s eyes widened for a second, obviously realizing that things had been taken a step too far.

He stepped in front of the door, effectively blocking Buck’s exit, and Buck squared his shoulders. “Get out of my way, Eddie,” Buck said as he clenched his keys in his hands.

“Buck-”

“I am not above pushing you out of the way,” Buck said, and Eddie ducked his head before stepping out of Buck’s way. The fight bled out of Buck’s shoulders. “I’m just going for a drive. I need a minute out of the house.” He headed out before he could hear Eddie’s response. He drove around the block before realizing he needed a slightly longer drive. He went to the park and got out of the jeep before heading down one of the shorter walking trails.

…..

Eddie felt like kicking himself. He’d started this stupid fight with Buck over nothing. He should have just told Buck that the pajamas held a bad memory for him, and they would have been able to move on. But it didn’t feel that simple. Eddie hated thinking about when Christopher was little because all it did was make him feel like a failure as a father and with the new baby being due so soon, the fear of repeating those mistakes was haunting him. He didn’t want to be the dad who abandoned his kids because he was afraid of screwing up.

Eddie grabbed his own keys- despite knowing that he was discouraged from driving by his doctor- and left a note for Buck before he went to his truck. He didn’t even know where he was going before he started driving but after a while he recognized where his brain had subconsciously led him. He parked and sat in the drive for a long time before sighing and getting out of the truck and making his way to the door. He pressed the doorbell and waited, tears starting to burn at the corners of his eyes.

“Eddie?” Bobby asked, confusion clear in his voice and Eddie lifted his head to look his captain in the face. “Come on in.” Eddie felt something ache in his chest at the fatherly concern and readiness to help that Bobby always seemed to radiate.

“I messed up, Bobby,” Eddie said quietly as Bobby steered him towards the living room. Eddie sat down heavily on the couch and Bobby sat on the coffee table so that they could look at each other.

“What happened?” Bobby asked calmly and Eddie’s breathing shuddered.

“I was such an idiot.” Eddie scrubbed his free hand through his hair and sighed. He already felt the shame eating at the inside of his chest as he tried to work up the courage to confess to Bobby what he’d done. “I snapped at Buck.”

Bobby waited and when Eddie didn’t say anything else, Bobby just nodded. “You’ve both been under a lot of stress lately. Things are changing really quickly, it’s got to be an adjustment.”

Eddie shook his head, Bobby wasn’t understanding him. This wasn’t about adjusting, this was about letting go- something Eddie _still_ couldn’t seem to do. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Bobby. I wasn’t- I’m not going to be a good father. I proved that the first time when Christopher was born, and I wasn’t there when I should have been. How can I ask Buck to trust me- to rely on me- when he knows that I’m not up to this?”

“Hey,” Bobby said firmly, and he put a hand on Eddie’s knee. “You are a good father, Eddie. You have done everything to make up for before. You put that kid above everything. Yeah, you were scared, and you bolted, but you changed because Christopher needed you to. You made him your first priority. So you weren’t perfect from the beginning?” Bobby waved that off with a stern look on his face. “No one is. The important this is that you changed and grew because that’s how much you loved your kid.”

Eddie felt tears burning down his cheeks and he couldn’t help but duck his head in shame as he wiped at them. “Bobby, I don’t want to lose Buck like I did Shannon.”

Bobby tugged Eddie into a hug. “You won’t.” Bobby just held onto him and helped ground Eddie as Eddie fought to get himself under control. Once he had, he pulled away sheepishly as he swiped a hand over his face. “Eddie…” Bobby began tentatively, and Eddie tried not to tense up defensively. “I think you should talk to Frank about this. You’ve been making so much progress, and I know you’re trying to be strong for Christopher and Buck, but you need to remember to take care of yourself too.”

Eddie let out a harsh breath and he nodded. “Yeah. I probably should. I just… I thought I was past this Bobby. I thought I was past all the stuff with Shannon, I was doing really well.”

“You were, but this is a whole new aspect of that part of your life to deal with,” Bobby said, and the soothing note of his voice made Eddie feel less weak. He took a steadying breath and nodded. “We’ve all got your back, Eddie. You’re not alone in this.”

Eddie looked up and it felt like the lump in his throat was choking him. Because when Christopher had been young, he hadn’t felt like there was anyone that had his back. He’d felt so frustrated and alone. But Bobby saying that- it wasn’t just a platitude. It was a promise. And Eddie knew that he could count on Bobby and Athena and everyone at the 118 to hold to that promise.

“Thank you,” Eddie said, and the tears were burning at his eyes again. “God, I can’t tell you how good it feels to hear you say that.”

“I think I might have a pretty good idea,” Bobby said, and he patted Eddie’s shoulder. Then it struck him. “Wait, did you drive here?” Bobby asked and Eddie felt a sheepish smile tug at the corner of his mouth. “Eddie-”

“I know it was stupid,” Eddie said and rubbed the back of his neck. “I promise that I was careful, and I’ll be careful on the way back.” Bobby opened his mouth to argue but Eddie just shook his head. “I can’t leave my truck in your driveway and I don’t want to push in on your day off more than I already have. I’m good, Cap. I promise.”

Bobby wanted to argue but he just shook his head. “Buck is going to kill me when he finds out.”

“Well, he’ll probably want to kill me first, so that might give you time to get away,” Eddie offered as a poor attempt at a joke. Bobby rolled his eyes, but there was a hint of fondness and warmth in the action.

…..

Eddie made a pitstop at the local hardware store before he headed home, but he was still there before Buck. That didn’t sit well in the pit of his stomach, but he tried not to think about it too much. He had things to unload into the house before Carla and Christopher got home. Which wouldn’t be long. Despite knowing that between his arm and his ribs he wasn’t supposed to be lifting anything heavy, he carried the supplies he bought- including three gallons of paint in the color that he and Buck had pretty much decided on- into the house. He was sorting through everything when he heard the front door open and the tell-tale sound of Christopher’s crutches on the hardwood.

“Daddy!” Christopher called and Eddie couldn’t help the smile that came onto his face.

“In the extra room!” Eddie called and after a minute or two, Christopher and Carla were both in the doorway. “Hey, buddy.”

“Someone’s been busy,” Carla said, and she raised a silent, questioning eyebrow to address the glaring elephant in the room. Eddie just shook his head with a wince. “Finally decided on what you all want to do in here?”

“Buck seemed pretty set on yellow, so,” Eddie shrugged with one shoulder and rocked on his feet. “I don’t want to start actually painting without him, but I figured I could tape everything up, so it’ll be ready to go.”

“Can I help?” Christopher asked and walked in to lean into Eddie’s side. “When you start painting? My art teacher says I’m really good.”

“I think that’s a great idea,” Eddie said and leaned down to press a kiss to the top of Christopher’s head. Christopher hid his smile against Eddie’s side and Eddie patted his back. “But first, homework.”

“Daaaad,” Christopher groaned, drawing out the word and perching his chin against Eddie’s side as he looked up at him.

“Nope, you know the rules, kid. No fun stuff until homework.” Eddie gave him a gentle nudge towards the door and Christopher sighed heavily before heading that way. Once he was completely out of the room and out of earshot, Carla gave him a worried look.

“What happened?” She asked softly as Eddie dug around for the painter’s tape he’d bought.

“We had a fight,” Eddie mumbled and abandoned looking for the tape so that he could scrub a hand over his face. “It was over something stupid that I just should have talked to him about, but I couldn’t. I was afraid to tell him how I was feeling, so I bit his head off for no reason.” He knew that Carla would know exactly what he was talking about. She’d seen a protective and defensive Eddie.

Carla hummed and put her hands on her hips. “So what’re you going to do to fix it?”

“I’m going to promise to try and work through it with Frank. I’m not sure I can try and talk it out with Buck just yet, but I’m going to try and get past this,” Eddie said, and he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Buck and Christopher and the baby deserve for me to be as close to 100% as I can get.”

“I think that’s a good first step,” Carla said, and she moved in to put a hand to Eddie’s cheek in a motherly gesture that had Eddie’s chest aching. “You can do this, Eddie. I know you can.”

“Thanks,” Eddie said, and he couldn’t help the way his voice wavered a little. “I better get started. This is going to take a while.” Carla nodded and gave his cheek an affectionate pat before she nodded over her shoulder.

“I’ll keep an eye on Chris and help him with his homework before I head out.”

“Carla, you really don’t have to do that. I can manage,” Eddie said, and Carla just shook her head.

“If Buck gets home before then, then sure. But you’re still busted up despite the whole macho-man routine you’ve been putting on for everybody. A few more hours aren’t going to hurt anybody.” Carla gave him a knowing look and Eddie nodded, ducking his head a little. She walked out to go and sit with Christopher and Eddie got started covering the mouldings, outlet covers, and the light switch.

He was in the middle of working on it when he heard Christopher coming back. “Buddy, I told you that you’ve got to finish-” Eddie looked over from where he was taping around the closet door and saw Christopher leading Buck in by the hand. Buck’s nose and eyes were red, and Eddie felt his chest clench. Buck had been crying. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Buck said, and his voice was a little thick from congestion.

“I got that color yellow you really liked,” Eddie said and gave Buck a small smile. “I thought maybe tomorrow you, me, and Chris could work on painting.”

Eddie bit his lip as Buck looked around the door at where Eddie was mostly finished taping everything up. Eddie worried for a moment that Buck was going to reject his olive branch. “I’d like that,” Buck said quietly and returned Eddie’s smile tentatively.

…..

Buck tried not to feel panicked as Eddie asked him if they could talk after they’d tucked Christopher into bed. He was sitting on the couch with a glass of water and trying not to overthink whatever it was that Eddie wanted to talk about. Did Eddie want to leave him? Was this fight really that serious? It hadn’t seemed like it when he’d gotten back, and Eddie had started working on the nursery. Maybe it was Eddie’s way of adjusting to handling the baby without Buck because they were going to split and co-parent from a distance. Buck’s stomach churned at the thought.

“I need to talk to you about what happened,” Eddie said and sat down next to Buck on the couch. But Eddie was putting distance between them. Buck forced himself to breathe and fight off the tears that wanted to come. “I’ve got issues from back when Christopher was a baby- issues that I thought I had moved past but our baby have brought up again. I’m not blaming you or the baby-” Eddie added hastily and reached out to put a hand on Buck’s knee, swiping his thumb over it as soothingly as he could. “I just… I think I need to go back to Frank.” Buck let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding, his head spinning for a second, as he realized that Eddie wasn’t leaving him. “You thought I was going to leave you?” Eddie asked with a hurt expression. Shit, had Buck said that out loud?

“Rationally, no,” Buck said, and he winced a little. “But… maybe a little part of me was scared that you might.”

Eddie’s lip trembled for a moment and Eddie shook his head before scooting in closer, bridging the chasm of space that had been between them. “I am _never_ going to leave you, Buck. I love you so much and I don’t ever want you to doubt that.” He cradled Buck’s face between his hands and pressed their foreheads together. Buck’s breathing hitched in his chest and he closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry too,” Buck said, and he pressed into Eddie’s touch. “Lately, I’ve been in my head too much and I don’t mean to take it out on you.”

Eddie pulled back and swiped a thumb over Buck’s cheek. Buck opened his eyes and he felt his stomach twist at the concern in Eddie’s eyes as he studied Buck’s face. “What’s going on, Buck?”

Buck swallowed and he ducked away from Eddie’s touch. He felt so embarrassed and angry with himself. He picked at the fraying cuff of his hoodie. “I just… I don’t feel like myself.” He scrubbed a hand over his face so that he could hide behind it. “I don’t feel attractive, Eddie. And I don’t feel like you find me attractive either.”

Buck could practically hear the cartoon tires squealing as Eddie gently took his wrist and tilted his chin up so that Buck had to look at him. “Whoa, Buck,” Eddie said and his whole face was twisted up in concern. “Why would you feel like that?”

“We’re not having sex, Eddie. Not like we used to.” It felt so ridiculous to say out loud with Eddie’s earnest eyes pinning him. His cheeks heated up and he let out a short huff of breath. When he glanced back at Eddie, Eddie’s face was pink as well.

“I-Buck,” Eddie fumbled for a moment and he dropped his hands into his lap.

“It’s stupid, I know,” Buck said, and he shook his head, his face burning. Buck had never felt ashamed or shy about sex before- granted he’d never sung Eddie’s praises to anyone who would listen because to Eddie it was something more private- but at the moment this felt like the most excruciating conversation they could be having. “It’s just sex- but I don’t know, Eddie. It feels like it means something.”

“It’s not stupid, Buck,” Eddie said and reached out to take Buck’s hands. “And we weren’t having sex because I just thought with how tired you’ve been and how your leg and your hip have been bothering you- I didn’t think you’d _want_ to. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable or for me to hurt you.”

“Eddie, when have you ever known me to turn down sex with you?” Buck asked teasingly with a small smile to break the tension. Eddie let out a short laugh and he ducked his head. But when he lifted it to look at Buck again, he was smiling so brightly in that way that he only did with Buck and it made him feel so much better.

“I don’t want to push you away, Buck,” Eddie said, and he lifted Buck’s hand up to press a kiss to his knuckles. “But I can’t know- because everything you are experiencing right now, I’ll never be able to fully understand- what’s going on in your head if you don’t tell me.”

Buck nodded silently. “It’s hard,” Buck admitted softly. “I just- I don’t look or feel like me and I keep trying to remember that this is a _good_ thing. I’m so excited and amazed that we’re going to have this baby in a handful of months, but part of me is just so- I hate it.”

Buck watched Eddie wince at Buck’s blunt statement. “Come here,” Eddie said, and he carefully wrapped Buck up into a tight hug. Buck pressed his face against Eddie’s neck and just breathed in the familiar smell of Eddie’s cologne. “It may not be what you want to hear right now, but from what I’ve heard, it’s pretty common to feel the way you’re feeling. I know you’ve got the added shittiness of your dysphoria to deal with,” Eddie said and rubbed Buck’s back soothingly when he mentioned it, “but tons of people who get pregnant feel like this.” Eddie pressed a kiss to Buck’s forehead and Buck just pressed in closer, mindful of Eddie’s arm in the sling and his ribs.

“I feel like the worst dad ever,” Buck admitted and closed his eyes tightly.

“You’re not,” Eddie said firmly and kept up the soothing path of running his hand up and down Buck’s back. “Your head is just being an ass right now.” Buck let out a wet laugh and he couldn’t help but nuzzle into Eddie’s collar a little. “I know you don’t like the idea of therapy,” Eddie said cautiously, “but maybe you should try and find a support group or something. Someone who gets it better than I do.”

Buck shrugged but he was considering Eddie’s offer. A group wouldn’t leave him alone with someone that was like a therapist- something he’d sworn off since the incident after the rollercoaster- and if he didn’t want to, he didn’t have to talk. He could just listen and let it help him feel less alone. “I’ll think about it,” Buck murmured into Eddie’s neck before pulling away.

“Okay,” Eddie said softly, and he leaned in to kiss Buck softly. Buck held onto Eddie’s good shoulder and he felt his heart kick up in his chest as they kissed slowly. Eddie pulled back and brushed their noses together tenderly. “What do you say we go and head to bed?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” Buck grinned and hooked a finger into Eddie’s collar before tugging him up and into their bedroom.

…..

Eddie tried not to fidget as he waited for Frank to come back into the room from going and grabbing a new pen. His pen had quit working just as he and Eddie had started talking about what had happened since they’d last seen each other.

“Sorry about that, Eddie,” Frank said as he wheeled himself back to where he’d been across from Eddie.

“It’s all good,” Eddie said and gave Frank a weak smile.

“You were just telling me about some of the new developments in your life,” Frank prompted, and Eddie nodded a little hesitantly.

“So, my partner and I- uh, I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned Buck, right?” Eddie asked. Frank nodded and gave Eddie a wry smile.

“Maybe once or twice… or about a thousand times,” Frank joked dryly and Eddie rolled his eyes a little, his ears burning.

“Okay, so Buck and I are having a baby,” Eddie said and tucked his hands underneath his thighs to keep from fidgeting with his hands or pulling at any loose threads on his t-shirt.

“That’s a big step,” Frank pointed out.

“Yeah,” Eddie admitted and chewed his lip. He glanced up at Frank to see Frank just watching him expectantly with that endless patience that he had for Eddie’s stalling or avoidance. “It’s been a little tough.”

“How so?”

“Well, I wasn’t around much when Christopher was a baby,” Eddie said with a slight wince at the admission. It wasn’t something he was proud of, no matter what the reasons were that he hadn’t been there, and it was hard to say out loud to people that didn’t know him well. “And when I _was_ around, I wasn’t the best dad. I had no idea what I was doing. I… I don’t want to repeat that. I want to be able to be there and to be a stable partner for Buck.”

Frank nodded and he tapped his pen on his legal pad. “And why is it that you felt so unsure when Christopher was a baby?”

Eddie frowned, not completely sure what Frank was asking him. “Uh… well, I never felt like I knew how to give him what he needed. Shannon was so frustrated with me and I get that- she was angry and exhausted and overwhelmed- but I never learned how to be a father to a small child like that.”

“You said you never learned how to be a father to a small child,” Frank said, and Eddie nodded. “And you’ve said before that your own father wasn’t around much when you were Christopher’s age and younger,” Frank explained slowly, “so does this maybe have more to do with your relationship with your own father as well as the fear of repeating your mistakes with Christopher?”

Well, fuck.

…..

Eddie had been a little quiet after his session with Frank- more so than usual because Eddie was a champion at brooding- but he was smiling as they worked on putting another coat of paint on the nursery walls. Christopher was working diligently on the seams where the wall met the taped up mouldings, and Buck couldn’t help but smile at the way his and Eddie’s faces were twisted up in the same look of concentration, though Christopher’s was topped off by his tongue poking out through his teeth.

Buck moved over to stand by Eddie, and he leaned in to press a kiss to Eddie’s temple. Eddie glanced over at him with a smile and turned his face up for a proper kiss. Buck sighed through his nose and they only broke apart when Christopher made a retching noise as he dramatically leaned over his little paint bucket.

Eddie flicked some yellow paint at their son and when Christopher shrieked in indignation and flicked some back, Buck was suddenly grateful that he’d insisted that Eddie put down plastic. Eddie’s eyes flashed playfully as he moved over to brush a swatch of yellow paint over Christopher’s arm and when Christopher tried to do the same, Eddie danced out of the way and it streaked down Eddie’s jeans instead.

“Alright,” Buck said before paint buckets were overturned and they had to make another trip to the store. “Let’s keep the paint on the walls.” Buck eyed them both for a moment and Christopher nodded with a put-upon contrite look as he returned back to painting around the covered outlet. But Eddie was grinning as he made his way back over. “Eddie… Eddie, don’t.” Buck took a step back, but Eddie just crept forward. “Edmundo Alexander Diaz!” Buck all but shouted as Eddie wrapped his arm around Buck’s waist and painted a swatch across Buck’s cheek. Buck shoved Eddie’s hand away from his face but he couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re such an idiot,” Buck said and leaned in to kiss Eddie again.

“Yeah, but I’m your idiot,” Eddie said softly and brushed his nose against Buck’s before letting him go. Buck’s grin only widened as he noticed that some of the paint from his cheek had transferred onto Eddie’s.

“Yeah, you are,” Buck said softly and stroked Eddie’s hair out of his face before they turned back to the walls.

Later that night while Christopher was getting ready for bed, Buck leaned into Eddie easily and Eddie just raised his eyebrow. “What?” Eddie asked as he massaged Buck’s lower back.

“We should get married,” Buck said and slipped his hands into Eddie’s back pockets.

“You think so?” Eddie asked, though his heart was hammering against his chest. Buck’s smile quirked up into something a little cockier as he felt Eddie’s heartbeat change.

“Make an honest man out of me, Eddie,” Buck said, and Eddie huffed out a laugh before kissing him.

“I’d like that,” Eddie said genuinely, and Buck gave him a quick peck before pulling away.

“I thought you might.”

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter was very emotional for me to write. There's so much going on with both Buck and Eddie mentally and it's tough for them. Buck said it in the beginning- this isn't going to be easy. And they're only a roughly the halfway point. I think there might be bigger gaps in time between this and the next couple installments but we'll just have to see :) Also I have no idea what Eddie's middle name would be, I just looked around and found one that sounded okay so *shrug*  
> -James
> 
> Christopher's dog: https://www.stuffedsafari.com/buddy-baby-safe-plush-tan-puppy-aurora-p/ar-20970.htm?gclid=Cj0KCQjwnv71BRCOARIsAIkxW9HXOE3m_OK2Pk8GmOmQ8mim9OYM4FD9BZeD68hj-db9KnIQwpU2t4AaAmc2EALw_wcB  
> The baby's room: https://www.houzz.com.au/photos/soft-pastels-baby-girl-nursery-eclectic-nursery-salt-lake-city-phvw-vp~20281272


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